Boundary setting is challenging for people struggling with addiction. It's often a driving force for addiction. Frequently, rather than assertively setting and maintaining boundaries, a person with addiction will bury their feelings and thoughts rather than expressing them or express their feelings and thoughts in aggressive, hurtful ways, resulting in shame about their behavior. The result is turning towards addictive substances or behaviors to manage the buried feelings and/or shame.

An important part of living in recovery is setting meaningful boundaries. Here are some pointers regarding effective boundary setting.

Boundaries are necessary to protect our physical or psychological well-being. When establishing boundaries, it’s important to have a clear understanding of the boundary you're setting. Vague boundaries create confusion and aren’t enforceable. For example, if you are uncomfortable with the way your mother talks to you about the relationship you have with your girlfriend or boyfriend, setting a boundary with your mother that states “I don’t like how you talk to me” is not very helpful. The boundary should state, “I don’t like how you talk to me about my relationship with (fill in the name of your significant other).” If there is a specific relationship topic you don’t want to talk about, then the boundary should be even more specific and should look like “I don’t like the way you talk to me about the way me and (your significant other) handle our finances.” The goal is to be as specific as possible about the issue. That way, you both understand the issue and can manage it effectively.

Once you define the issue, the next step is to determine a consequence for violating the boundary. Consequences should be specific, simple, and easily enforceable. Examples would be ending a conversation or walking out of a room. Continuing with the relationship theme from above, the boundary coupled with the consequence can look like, “I don’t like how you talk to me about the way you and (your significant other) manage our finances. I don’t want to talk to you about this in the future. If you continue to bring up this topic, I will end the conversation.”

Consequences must be enforced each time a boundary is crossed. Intermittently enforced consequences send a message that you aren’t serious about the boundary and that there are times when it may be OK to cross the line and other times when it’s not, which causes confusion. The goal is to be clear about the request you are making, the need for the boundary, and the consistently enforced consequence you will enforce if the boundary is violated.

Boundaries must be communicated effectively. Before having a conversation with the person for whom the boundary is being established, it’s important to plan out how you will deliver the message. Being in the right headspace is important. The goal is to be calm, use an assertive communication style, and choose your words carefully. Find a time when you aren’t stressed to have the boundary conversation. Avoid points in the day when you are hungry, emotional, or tire and avoid places that are distracting.

An assertive communication style is described as using clear and direct language to make your point without trying to convince others of your opinion. Body language is important. Assertive body language traits include a relaxed posture, natural or friendly facial expressions, a confident but not pushy tone of voice, and making eye contact without glaring.

Effective language for boundary setting avoids inviting confrontation. You want to use words that don’t accuse the other person of wrongdoing and put them in a defensive position. Focus on using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. It’s also important to take ownership of your feelings when discussing the boundary.

Putting all these elements together, an effective boundary and way to express the boundary can look like this:

“I get upset when we talk about the way you and (your significant other) handle our finances. I don’t want us to talk about this topic in the future. Please don’t mention our finances in future conversations, or I will end the conversation.”

A final note on boundaries. Presenting a boundary effectively doesn’t mean the person being spoken to about the boundary will abide by it, be happy about it, or accept it without further conversation. It’s important to be prepared for a negative response to your request. Always try to avoid becoming defensive. Listen to what the other person says and, if you continue to feel your boundary is correct, verbally recognize what the person said, assertively reiterate the boundary, and end the conversation. While “testing the waters” will likely happen in future encounters, holding firm to your boundary will show you are serious, and more likely than not, the boundary will be respected in the future.  

Kenneth Markowitz MD, IMAC